Loneliness 6: Building a House of Understanding

By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established;
through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures. Proverbs 24:3-4

Some might say by this point in the week, "Ok I get it, I see that other fears in my life have kept me from developing true companionship, what do I do now?" That is a good place to be. Some might say, hey I'm single and that is why I feel lonely. I agree that a marital relationship offers the possibility of deeply intimate companionship, but I would encourage singles to practice their companionship making skills on the other relationships in their lives. If companionship is a house, then mutual understanding is the foundation. So here's a process for developing true companionship through mutual understanding:

1. Confess your real self to the Lord. Put your fears and personal struggles into words, audibly and speak them before the Lord. God already KNOWS you, but by being audibly honest with God it helps us to be honest with ourselves and others.

2. Have confidence that God knows you and accepts you. The old hymn, "Just as I am" comes to mind. God knows our selfishness, our loneliness, our fears, our lust, our hatred...and he still loves us completely. To those who trust in Him, He completely accepts and forgives us.

3. Proceed with caution. We must not go around dumping the truckload of our inner struggles on everyone we meet. And even our families or spouses do not need to know every detail of our issues. So pick your people and your issues wisely. If you are unsure seek the guidance of a spiritual mentor.

4. Commit to communicate. Two-way active communication is the foundation upon which true companionship is built. Listen well so as to understand the other person and share honestly so as to be clearly understood. Without communication there is no understanding and without understanding there is no companionship.

Is God stirring within your heart discomfort about some of your relationships? Slowly and cautiously be obedient to the Holy Spirit by beginning the companionship-making process.

Loneliness 5: Connecting

From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. Ephesians 4:16

Noted Christian Psychologist and author Larry Crabb dropped a bomb on the Christian Counseling profession with the release of his book Connecting. In it he explains that the underlying reason that more Americans are going to professionals to fix damaged psyches is what he refers to as disconnected souls. That sounds a lot like the concept of loneliness. The shocking thing is that Crabb suggests that professional soulcare is NOT the answer, but he prescribes a soul “nourishment” that “only a community of connected people can offer.” I’ll let Dr. Crabb explain…

“I have strong reason to suspect that Christians sitting dutifully in church congregations, for whom “going to church” means doing a variety of spiritual activities, have been given resources that if released could powerfully heal broken hearts, overcome the damage done by abusive backgrounds, encourage the depressed to courageously move forwards, stimulate the lonely to reach out, revitalize discouraged teens and children with new and holy energy, and introduce hope into the lives of the countless people who feel rejected, alone, and useless. Maybe “going to church,” more than anything else, means relating to several people in your life differently. Maybe the center of Christian community is connecting with a few.” (Crabb, Larry. Connecting. 1997. The W Publishing Group, Nashville, xiii.)

It is most likely that every Sunday you are surrounded by lonely people, or as Crabb says disconnected souls. They come to church to find healing, or acceptance, or forgiveness or true companionship. The apostle Paul says the church should function so in sync with the needs of its members that is functions like a human body. A healthy body works together in everything that it does... there should be no disconnection.

Is your soul being nourished by a few others that you really connect with? Pray that God would guide you to enter into a connected community. Or if you are in such a connected community now, consider inviting other disconnected souls into yours.

Loneliness 4: What are we so afraid of?

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." Romans 8:15

If we believe that we were designed in the image of God and therefore made for relationships, does that mean that having relationships is the end of all loneliness? If it were only that easy. I remember the appearance of a nagging feeling of loneliness at times, even after I was married. You see I did not understand that a relationship or even a marriage relationship does not necessarily equate with true companionship.

True companionship is more than just the existence of a relationship, but is something much deeper. It is an environment where someone seeks to know you, all of you and you feel safe sharing that sensitive soft-core that is deep within you. It is quite possible to have a pleasant, stable relationship yet to never develop the deeper knowledge of one another that can be described as companionship. This is where fear comes in. We maintain our relationships at a pleasant level because we fear other things will happen if we expose our real selves to these people. The most common fear that leads to loneliness is fear of rejection. We fear that we won’t be accepted if we unveil our true selves. So for fears-sake we conceal this soft-sensitive part of our being out of self-protection and as a result no one truly knows us.

When we make these decisions we are actually driving a wedge of separation between us and others andtrue companionshipp is never possible. We are so afraid to admit that we have low self-esteem...or don’t feel loved... or struggle with pornography... or don’t feel attractive... or embarrass easily... or that we struggle with communicating our feelings that we don’t let others truly know us. So marriages exist without true self-disclosure. Parent-child relationships exist without mutual understanding. Friendships exist without deep levels of communication. Don’t let fear keep you from enjoying true companionship.

Take stock of the relationships in your life as to the degree to which you know one another. Your spouse. Your parents/children. Your friends. Ask God for the courage to share your heart with those that you can trust.

from Linda

Linda lost her mom to cancer about a week ago. She has been on our hearts and in our prayers. A number of people have spent time with Linda and her family offering support. The family was showered with flowers, so after the funeral service Linda brough over flowers and this kind note.

Loneliness 3: I don’t deserve this

All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Loneliness is common, let's get that straight. It is not a special problem for the pitiful few, it shows no partiality or favors when it considers whom to haunt. But does anyone really deserve to be lonely? Dan Haseltine the lead singer for Jars of Clay offered an interesting view in a recent article on relationships. He wrote:

What we deserve is to be lonely, what we deserve is to be isolated from the one who loves us better thatn anyone else. What we deserve is to never be pushed forward, to never deepen in our wisdom and experience of love and community. What we deserve is to die a dark and disconnected fate. And if we are going to apply the rules of culture today, the only one to blame for not getting what we deserve is Jesus. (Relevant Magazine, July_August 2005, Longevity, Dan Haseltine, p. 50.)

Did you get that? If not read it again. Let's be honest, we are naturally like Adam. And for that rebellion we deserve loneliness, relating to God and others. And God's judgment was separation from Him, at Eden, and from one another, at Babel. Yet despite our deserved separation, God through Christ has extended his hand towards us. By sacrificing his Son, He has paved the way across the chasm of separation. God's act of redemption, restores us from our lonely state caused by our sinfulness, so that we can live in true companionship with our creator and with others. That is reconciliation. God through Jesus, reconciling us to himself and then empowering us to reconcile with each other. Loneliness at its root is a spiritual problem brought on by our sin.

Do you feel entitled to certain things (friends, a spouse, respect from others) because you think you are good? Reconsider what you truly deserve and how Jesus has given you the opposite.

Loneliness 2: Is it just me?

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-- yet was without sin. Hebrew 4:14

When I was a kid I got hit in the face with a baseball bat and lost my top left tooth and chipped a few others. I happened to be in the wrong place when a little league teammate of mine was in the "on deck" circle getting ready for his at bat. It was obviously an impressionable experience for me. When I returned from thhospitalol my dad gave me something to tell me how proud he was of me. It was a button with a picture of "hero" sandwich on it and the letters HERO across the top. I felt special and unique in a really good way, thanks to my dad's encouragement. But sometimes I feel that same sort of special and unique in bad ways. I feel like I uniquely deal with certain moral, spiritual or relational struggles in ways that others wouldn't or couldn't identify.

It can be that way with loneliness can't it? We feel all alone in our loneliness. Some wives say, no one could ever understand how emotionally separated my husband and I are. Others say I'm so socially awkward that I will never have a true friendship. Some kids say, my relationship with my parents is so distant that no one wounderstandndertsand. And these pent-up feelings lead to emotional turmoil in the simplest form and depression or suicide in more extreme cases. Some feel that no one could be as isolated or separated or alone as they are. They feel alone in their loneliness.

But thanks to Christ, I know that such thoughts are not true. Christ himself in his humanity experienced loneliness, forsakenness, betrayal and worse. And Scripture tells us that, “no temptation has seized [us] except what is common to man (1 Cor 10:13)." So others feel the same way. Loneliness, separation, and isolation bring deep feelings of pain, but we aren't alone in dealing with these feelings.

Do you struggle with loneliness? Find comfort in sharing your feelings with Christ, who understands. Pray that God would allow you to connect with othempathize empathisize with you.

Loneliness 1: The Soul of the Matter

We recently did a freedom from Fear Series at our Church. I wrote these devotionals for the Fear of Loneliness. They seem to fit with our current study of Community, so I will republish all six.
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So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27

I'm not sure that we fear loneliness, as in being afraid of this beast calls loneliness but I think we feel lonely. The difference may be small but I think there is a difference. I guess I don't think loneliness strikes fear in people, especially in America where we value our independence. But I do think that everyone feels the nagging pain of loneliness.... some more than others.

Before dealing with the concept of loneliness we must define what we are talking about. Ed Young, Jr. in his book "Know Fear" suggests it is "being without true companionship." It is not a feeling based upon what we have but its focus is upon what we do not have. The struggle with loneliness is a feeling of isolation or separation. It is the sense that something is absent. It is like the hole in the centerfavorite favority donut, you can stick your finger through it because it is not there. It is the feeling that comes when one pines for a spouse or is grieving their loss. Or it is the feeling when one longs for a true friend or moves 1000 miles away from their best one.

Just this week, I spoke with two girls who sense this loss. One moved into town 5 months ago, and is still struggling to find a church. She shared that one of the biggest things missing in her life is friends. Another girl lost her mother to cancer just this past week. She was very close to her mom and the pain of losing her hurts.

Why does this lack of "true companionship" in our lives bother us so much? Because at the core of our being we were designed for intimate companionship. We were designed in the image of God (Gen. 1:26). God himself is one being in three persons. So God in his oneness is also threeness, we call this the doctrine of the trinity. The Godhead is self-sufficient apart from relationship with mankind because he exists in an intra-trinitarian loving relationship. So as image-bearers of God all mankind is designed for relationship or should we say "true companionship." So when we lack that, the ache is in the depth of our being. We know that something is not well with our soul.

This week we will consider what part loneliness plays in your life and relationships. Ask God to open your eyes to the ways in which feelings of loneliness are present in your life.

Koinonia

Last night we started a 4-week Bible Study on Growing in Community. I suggested that one of the key components of the early church was the concept of koinonia. Acts 2:42 describes how the earliest Christians spent their time. "They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship (koinonia), to the breaking of bread and to prayer."

Darrell Guder suggests in the book Missional Church says this about koinonia.

"It is the communal reality of holy living, mutual support, and sacrificial service. Challenging the old competitive order of independence, self-interest, and private privilege. Christian community indicates a new collaborative order of interdependence, shared responsibility, mutual instruction and commonality (koinos)."

We as the church should be a new community of people not formed solely by human intentions or efforts but knit together by the Holy Spirit. If we are truly to embody koinonia we must not "conform any long to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of (our) mind(s)" (Rom 12:2). We must remember that "the old has passed away, the new has come" (1 Cor 5:17).

Such a community of people will not be the result of purely natural effort, because we will get sick of one another. It is only possible through the supernatural work of God in Christ through His Spirit.

Are you sitting or standing?

The 17th has come and gone, but I hope that the ripples of standFIRM are stirring into waves. How encouraging was it see nearly 70 young adults gather for a time of teaching, praise and discussion. The room seemed to grow in its level of intimacy as the night wore on.

Dr. David Hoffeditz, Bible & Greek Teacher at Cedarville University and author of "They were Single Too", delivered a stirring challenge to those in attendance. He was pretty honest when he identified that we all face obstacles to standing firm in the Lord. And this led to his concern that the challenges of life lead can lead us to bitterness or blurred vision about life.

So he suggested three simple ways to overcoming the obstacles which can keep us from standing firm in the Lord: (1) Rest in the Lord - Find comfort and peace in Him in the midst of life's trails. (2) Seek to Serve - When we serve Him by serving others we don't have as much time to worry about our own circumstances. (3) Praise the Lord - Even when everything in life says we shouldn't.

Thanks David, those are good words. Keep an eye on the site, the pictures are coming soon.